Posted in Family, Marriage

A letter to my Husband

This one is for you, Shane.

While we ride the speedboat of life through these sometimes turbulent lakes and those fuzzy shorelines – we call our lives –  whizz by, I’ve been watching you.

I see you! I haven’t forgotten the slower journeys we used to take together. Quieter ones – on sailboats and canoes – with less ‘noise’ distracting us from really hearing, knowing, and feeling each other.

I think about that- often.

And I’m sure that you do too.

We aren’t the only ones on that boat anymore, and sometimes – while you’re busy guiding the watercraft in the right direction – I’m standing lookout for hazards, or donning life jackets and applying the sunscreen. Our minds always wandering elsewhere to maintain safety and order aboard. 

But our love always remains the same – The anchor of it all.

I wanted you to know that I’m still here – as true as I’ve ever been – that carefree girl that climbed aboard with you some eleven years ago, she’s inside me somewhere. And I know you are still in there too.

For now, I stand and observe, for this new man I see has qualities that keeps me curious.

I can’t take my eyes off of you!

I notice you; as you sit at the dinner table casting smitten glances at our children.

I notice you; as you mow the lawn unfazed by the two small shadows following behind.

I notice you; in the grocery store line-up as you crunch numbers to stretch our budget into our tomorrows.

I notice you; and the way your exhausted body hits the bed at the end of the day.

I notice you; and the way the lines of your face have been changed by our life, morphing your youth into aged wisdom.

I notice you; as you prioritize instilling love and compassion with just a subtle hint of silly into the character of our boys.

I notice you; as you take a mental note of my ‘DIY wish list’ and run how-tos through your mind.

I notice you; as you tread lightly around my many emotional states, and respond with just the right amount of softness I need.

I notice you; as you doubt yourself, wondering if you are doing everything you can for our family (I assure you, you are!)

I notice you; as you wake well before the crack of dawn committing yourself to the duties required to keep our family afloat.

I notice you; as you shower away those signs of trauma, turmoil, and pain so you can keep on going for us.

I notice you; and how your love has deepened so I can still feel ignited when you hold my hand even after everything has been poured out of you each day.

I notice you; In our boys and the way they live, laugh and love with every fiber they posses.

I notice you; and the ‘potential’ you have to grow into the man our boys need years from now in their youth when these times are so much different than our own.

You probably thought I don’t notice you anymore, but I do! I am watching you and waiting for the days we can have to ourselves again – You are my end game! You were my beginning, and when these children are finally reared – you will be my ending!

I notice you, and I thank you!!

I love you! This new you, the old you, the not so perfect you that you think you are! It is all the same to me and I look forward to reuniting with you each new day.


 Tight Squeeze!

Ella

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Posted in Elliott, Family, Oliver

One of THOSE days!

Try as I might, I am having a difficult time filing this day as a great one in the old attic of childhood keepsakes.
Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for any day spent with my family, but this one was particularly tough to endure.

Between the three-angers and the terrible twos we were sure to be met with our fair share of challenges, and one giant dose of our fair share did we indeed get!!

The whining, good God! The whining! The fighting; hitting, biting, pushing, WWE over toys and the “who who gets a first chance at the slide” woes. Then the meal time strikes, we are at an all time high of 3 missed meals today by the pair of ’em. And the tattle-taling, and the ‘oh woe is me’ over every favour or direction mom and dad ask.

The terrible twos are a fairly new concept to me since Elliott clearly soared though it with little resistance, but the oppositional defiance we get from Oliver over every-little-thing is enough to make up for the two of them combined. Like, I literally just watched him slide his hand over a patch of wet paint immediately following my firm direction not too. The whole while he made eye contact with me, I swear I saw them turn an evil green, and that cheeky grin. He absolutely thinks he is hilarious. (Le sigh)

We had more time outs today alone, then I think we’ve ever dished out in total before. Just one of those days that has your left questioning why you would ever consider having another child again.


And onto tomorrow!! Let’s pray for a better one!

Tight sqeeze!

Ella

Posted in Family, Mental Health

Image IS everything!

When it comes to raising our  kids, the image of self-love that we portray is absolutely everything.

Before I had children I was oblivious to the fact that there are little people marching around this world imitating the things I do. I had no idea, that when I slump my shoulders, or wear a frown, that the children in my presence are hyper-sensitive to those little motions, and will undoubtedly question the meaning behind it.

Now here I am, my eldest isn’t even four yet, and already I am well-versed in the “whys” of the world. If you’ve been out grocery shopping and stopped for a moment, to assess your reflection in the window, you can bet my children noticed and innocently berated me with all the “whys” about your strange behavior.

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If you can imagine our children as magazine editors, you can bet your ass they would release a publication of unedited images into the world. Raw, real, and… flawed – only to them it wouldn’t be – See, they have no concept of what defines beauty. For them the world is one glorious masterpiece, all things living in the beauty of its own right. Though, slowly over time, when mamas and pops, start unblurring those lines and create defined spaces for what should and shouldn’t be in the beauty department… they too start seeing it as so. Of course, none of it is intentional, we don’t go about blatantly addressing our thoughts on beauty, no, it’s a subtle progression starting with a lack of self-acceptance.

{Self-Acceptance is literally the acceptance of self. It is an understanding of the unique qualities that together create the whole self, and accepting the imperfections in relationship to completing the whole and thus creating an inner happiness and satisfaction. Self-love.}

It’s a learned behavior; to start believing that those perfectly placed freckles, or misaligned eyebrows are a flaw in the human design. These young kids have no idea our hips are a little too wide, or our bellies a little too round until they walk in on us poking and prodding, and cursing those nuisances. Self-appreciation is actually the natural part of their being, and we alter and redefine that as they grow, unless of course, we can let our own securities sit by the way-side while we raise our children.

I am not going to sit here and pretend I am perfect, I certainly know “I am thick in the middle, and I got much back” but who cares?? I know well enough, that isn’t all of me, and I wear confidence in the fact that I still have a shit ton to offer as a human. Instead I am teaching my sons to love women who love themselves first, and to be confident self-loving men too.

I long for my teenaged boys to enter their high school corridors with an ora of confidence that no amount of school boy taunting can destroy. I want my sons to embrace their ‘flaws’ so they don’t have to tear down others just to build them selves up. I want my boys to experience love, unwaveringly, and that starts with a strong, and confident self-appreciation. Absolutely all of this is entirely dependent on the image of self-love I put into their universe.

What I am trying to say <in a very long winded essay of sorts> is this;

  1. It’s totally okay to love yourself as you are. You are rocking a body that has walked a tough journey of your own unique set of trials and tribulations. It has endured the pain, only yours can tolerate, and calling them imperfections, is just reaching “mean girl” status.
  2. Stop allowing your children to think anything less of you. You are and will always be their ‘perfect mold’ by which everyone else will be measured. They know better than anyone the true strength of your hustle, and have seen you at your worst… with raw assessment but without judgment.
  3. Do not allow them the opportunities to learn vulnerability and insecurity. The world they are about to face can be enough to handle as it is, fill them with traits of satisfaction and appreciation. Allow their self-love to be limitless.
  4. Love every bits of them. Tell them they are perfect, that you wouldn’t change a thing. Praise their imperfections, and document them in photos. Begin their lives with self-love and breed body appreciative children. Because there isn’t a freckle worth the long-term emotional damage that questioning themselves will cause.
  5. Just be! Be present and loving in everything you do, don’t waste a single moment making your children feel less than – And that starts by letting them know you don’t believe you are less than.
  6. Share your vulnerabilities with confidence! Laugh it off, be the Ace Ventura in an otherwise body shaming-easily embarrassed society.

Now get out there and LOVE YOURSELF!!!

Tight Squeeze!

Ella

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Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

Wish you were here. 🐣

Curse me for being a typical A type personality because 9 months ago, when I saw the little pink plus sign on a pregnancy stick I foolishly believed it meant something. Which temporarily catapulted me into sketching out the architecture of the next two years of my life. How my children would adapt, What working though my pregnancy would look like, when I would begin my maternity leave, call me spoiled for having those choices, but I’ve worked damn hard to be able to make them.

Now, This Easter, April 2017 when I thought I’d be home with my family, I’m cruising into work for another endless workday. All the while day dreaming of the “could have beens”… Based on my gestational history, I should be home waiting for baby’s arrival, a very long week overdue. My family should be sitting on the edge of their seats because it could happen at any moment! or maybe it already had, and a sweet little chick is the Easter gift somebunny left for us.

But that isn’t what is. It never was. Instead I just finished my 8th cycle of fertility drugs that are kicking my ass with migraines, nausea, and muscle aches. And pray a new babe comes to us eventually.

I haven’t forgotten the journeys I thought I’d be taking, nor the missed opportunities. I haven’t stopped wondering what life would be like, particularly this April. That is the painful side effect of loss, once you know something was or could have been it forever makes its mark on your life, no matter how small.

Tight sqeeze!

Ella

Posted in Family, How Tos

Make Your Own Family Mission Statement

One of my overall goals for 2017 (who am I kidding this post has been in the making since my blog launched) was to develop a family mission statement. I dug deep into the values that Shane and I hold for our family, and the traits we would like to instill in our children as they grow. I felt strongly that although it can be reviewed at any time, this statement should really stand the test of time.

To start, I listed all the things I wanted to encompass;

  1. Loving Deeply and infinitely
  2. Expressing Gratitude
  3. Taking ownership
  4. Dedication
  5. Honor and Respect
  6. Encouragement
  7. Willingness to participate / try new things
  8. Being humble
  9. Morality and conviction
  10. Faith

Next I divided the above into three sections

Expectations;  Love, Honor, and Respect

Principals; Faith, hard work/ dedication, and morality/conviction

Goals; Courage, Encouragement, Grateful, and Humble hearts

Then I began structuring each of these elements into one large statement based on this organization.


“We, the Povey family, commit to our purpose within this home to love each other without condition, honoring each other with intention, and respecting the individuality, goals, and dreams of each family member.

We shall strive to stay true to our family purpose through dedication to our faith, our social responsibilities, and recognizing the importance of the convictions of our hearts so we may make sound and wholesome judgments. Interacting as such, we shall continue to demonstrate courage to fearlessly face each of our challenges, and celebrate the strength our family provides to accept the outcomes, that we may grow individually; molding a healthier and happier whole.

Our family will facilitate a home that is encouraging, grateful, and humble. We shall not limit the geographical parameters of such behaviors, that we may go out each day extending the same love and intention to those that cross our paths.

Making our world a little kinder, gentler and more accepting each day at a time.”

I encourage each of you to make a family mission statement, connect with each of your family members goals, and to keep your self accountable to be the spouse, parent, friend, employee, etc. that you had intended to be.

Tight Squeeze!

Ella

 

Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

Embracing the Journey

I swear every time I come here to write I have months of unwritten stories I had intended to share but never got around to penning it. Life has a way of swooping in, even in the mundane, and whisking away time like it never existed in the first place. But we know it did, we have memories and snapshots of those lost times, nostalgic sights, tastes and sounds that bring back #allthefeels. We have all been there, particularly so if your children are young enough to still ask you to wipe their bottoms.

Here is where we have been at.

 


I will be coining this stage of our journey #infertilenotfertile (a play on the popular phrase Sorry-not-sorry) so basically you get the point. No buns in the oven, no cat in the cradle, no bat in the cave, no pea in the pod… It just isn’t our damn time. Of course with April rolling around it is one massive billboard for our current “knocked down” status, and then with the abundance of friends that miraculously have stork mail coming their way in the months surrounding April, well it burns a little deeper.

Surprisingly, it hasn’t been too difficult to venture through- this second time around. I suppose it could be because my marriage needed this realism to bring us out of our pride and entitlement we’d been battling recently, or that maybe my (still young) children needed me more than I thought – also the reason time is slipping away at a record pace, and lastly, it could be because although #3 (and maybe #4)  are in our family plans after everything we’ve been through, I’ve climbed back on the fence over the whole thing. This month marked my eighth round of fertility treatment. We are nearly at the stage where  taking the next step is imminent, you know… where baby making takes a whole lot more than two to tango.

Aside from that, the boys are changing – everyday something new. Elliott has been attending a local pre-school learning and growing, and gaining intelligence beyond his years. He is still rooting for a new baby for the family, of course (mamas influence) and takes excellent care of his younger sib. He is rocking his balance bike, and refuses to move on from it actually. His current interests include robots, superheros, dinosaurs, racecars. and monsters, in fact, he imagines colorful scenarios where he, ‘Elliott-robot-batman’, saves mama from a house monster. He discovered Petes Dragon recently and is completely enamored with his name sake dragon. Elliott has been preparing new ‘big-boy school’ that begins in September, in fact, just this morning we discussed his potential new backpack options. Much to mamas dismay apparently Spider-Man is all the rage with the young boys.

Oliver, well, he is a tornado of personality wrapped up in a cloak of charm. He is one serious cuddler, and still drags his little lovey (yes we rotate about a dozen of them) everywhere he goes. We’ve nick named him Dennis (as in the menace) because he is innovative and daring and always manages to get himself knee deep in some sort of catastrophe (again another contributor to our rapid time warp). He says pretty much everything, and he loves to read, sing, and dance with hilarious candor I might add. He shares all the same interested as big bro because, well, peer pressure. He has just started riding his own balance bike, and despite resisting the movement, he is mastering it like a pro. Now that I think of it, he protests pretty much any new idea or suggestion unless it’s his own. 

 

 

No matter their differences, they are a solid brotherhood. Their love and excitement for each other is endless, and I couldn’t be more proud!

Tight squeeze!

Ella

Posted in Infertility, Mental Health

Moving Forward, Well Sort Of!

INFERTILITY//

It feels like a lifetime ago already, but it pains us just the same, the only thing we’ve learned since losing the pregnancy is that life keeps moving forward with the same force of speed, no amount of our resistance slows it any more.

There is still so much to be decided, do we really want more children, and at what cost? We have two amazing boys, is that enough for us now? We are faced with so many questions that still a few months later are no easier to decide. No amount of weighing it out seems sufficient enough to clearly see what it is we want.

If you are wondering what it is like to live in that mindset I will try my best to fill you in. Despite my best efforts, I live in an underlying unhappiness every day. I search for the small joys, like the sweet interactions between my boys, family dinners, and the short moments I get alone with my husband (albeit exhausted). I’ve suddenly found myself questioning all aspects of my life is my job good enough? Can we even afford to raise another child? Should we move to a more affordable City? Are we communicating enough in our marriage? It’s as though nothing brings me joy, although I know that most certainly is not true.  I honestly didn’t even realize the effect this has still been having on me until the moment I sat to write it all out, I suppose that is the therapy in writing – Sorting our thoughts.

To put it simply it’s like everything I do and say is laced with the negativity that this particular unhappiness is bringing to my life. Without knowing, I bring it into my conversations, into my behaviors, into my workplace, and home with my family, it’s all around me, and although I am abundantly satisfied with the other 95% of my life, this is the little black cloud that darkens it all. Not that I feel the need to justify my feelings, but I wanted to clarify, that it comes across that I am so unhappy in my life overall, and that just isn’t so!!!

I’ve been struggling to balance the weight of this loss, I don’t even realize it most of the time, I just go about mommying and stuff, but then, every so often… when I feel like crying but don’t know why… well,its safe to say that this is the culprit. Especially as little monumental days pass by, that should have meant something… like finding out the gender, and viability, but alas, it won’t be happening for us… at least not this time around.

Tight Squeeze

Ella