Posted in Mental Health

The ‘Harvey Weinstein’ Talk We must have!

Today I made the mistake of spending my kid-free time trolling the internet response to the Harvey Weinstein scandal. I am shocked and appaled at the outpouring of negative opinions and women to women victim shaming involved here.

Let’s make something very clear,  If we don’t stand with these women (Celebrity or not) we are standing against them, there is no middle ground. This kind of angry outcry from desensitized internet trolls is exactly the dialogue people like Harvey Weinstein are hoping for; devaluing the magnitude of his criminal behaviour, minimizing sexual assault, and aiming the spotlight away from the empire that is the Weinstein company and the hundreds of men and women who probably knew about and facilitated these ‘hotel meetings’.

First and foremost our responsiblity as the  public should simply be to listen. Let us listen intently to their stories, feel their emotion, and provide them with a judgement-free platform for which to tell and retell their stories. Because if we do we actually open up a more powerful dialogue of resistance and unacceptace of sexually inappropriate behaviours. More women will be able break free from the bondage of their corporate corruption and speak out against sexual harassment in the workplace. But mostly, listening will help them to spread the shockingly ‘new’ expectation that we should not tolerate this behaviour anywhere and at anytime.

Let there be no mistake, Harvey was powerful because he had a tribe of men and women for whom he assumed power and whether by fear, or ignorance, or otherwise involved in these predatory acts they sheltered him, encouraged him, and facilitated this long-time abusive business tactic. What we know about powerful empires, is that they do not topple easily.

Mass opinion has been that these women chose not to come forward before they bank rolled millions from under his corporate wing. Why thirty years later?

Celebrities have historically been using media covered outlets to make cracks in the foundation of his power;  from Gwenyth Paltrow on Letterman, Rose McGowen on twitter, to Seth Macfarlane at the 2013 Oscars. They spoke about it amongst each other, they loathed this man that ran Hollywood, for God sakes, they called it his “Open Secret”. Don’t underestimate this ‘new’ movement for one minute, it has been a long time coming, these women have been quietly forcing momentum on these tides, until the waves could no longer be ignored.

Our very pathetic reality is that thirty year ago corporate Hollywood would not have tolerated these accusations. We are naive to think that women’s rights were better thirty years ago, naive to think that women were as highly valued in the industry. To topple this empire, his little black book of assaulted women had to rise to alarming numbers, because we all know when one or a few come forward it is never enough. Even still, had he been convicted, he would never had been robbed of his role in Hollywood and people would still be turning a blind eye. So, yes! It had to be now, not because these women are older and established in their wealth and fame, but inspite of that.

What we won’t hear about, Is what happened to those twenty-something aspiring actresses that forcefully resisted his advances, and refused to work with him, because without established fame he would have made damn sure they simply disappeared! Blacklisted from hollywood, and silenced by remaining nameless and unpopular in the public eye. Did it do themselves or the public any good to speak out back then? No! He continued to negotiate sexual tasks and favors for success in the industry.

Let’s acknowledge talent where talent is due. These Celebrity women coming forward that have didn’t achieve status because they were sexual vixons, but because they are artists and believed in themselves and their talents and firmly believed these roles were meant for them, and on some level, Harvey knew he needed them too – regardless if they were sexually complacent.

When we engage in conversation about how a woman behaved, or whether or not she accepted fame, wealth or status as a result, we minimize the fact that sexual harassment, assault or otherwise has zero place in the workplace. Period. So just stop!

Other internet naysayers were particularly hung up on the fact that these celebrities willingly met Harvey in his hotel room. <eye roll> First of all, since when did we decide entering a hotel room was open invitation for sexual assault? Secondly, use some perspective, I would assume that a high class Hollywood movie moguls hotel room was hardly just that. He likely wined and dined in the penthouse suites which consisted not only of a bed, but of a living room, a kitchen, and <gasp of shock> an office area… you know, for conducting business.

The most overrated public response to these accusations is, how can these women live a double standard and depict nudity whilst complaining about their trama as victims. I can hardly stand to give this one a response because it’s so obvious to me, but I will let you in on this little secret. Acting is their art form, and human bodies in the nude are the rawist most authentic form of art in existence! If this isn’t enough for you to understand, please consider also, that often times victims of sexual abuse become disinhibited in their sexuality therefore resulting in promiscuity. It doesn’t make them the target of their abuse, it is the result of it.

I wasn’t among the millions of women who posted a #metoo hashtag on social media because I honestly can’t think of a time where I’ve felt any form of unwanted sexual advances, but #insolidarity with women across the world I will engage in healthy conversation regarding sexual assault. I don’t have to have a daughter, to want differently for the children of our future. I hope you will consider the same!


Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

A year after loss. 

One year ago today!

Now a year later I headed to the lab where I donated 10 vials of blood and a urine sample, the last of a series of work-ups we have been enduring for the last few months. Still on this journey, waiting and hoping, but mostly feeling defeated.

But then… (and I can’t even make this up) as I loaded my blood deficient body into the car to leave the lab, my Michael Franti CD instantly broke out into chanting these words…  “Don’t let it go… when the rain falls down you know the flowers gonna bloom, and when the hard times come you know the teachers in the room so have a little faith in me, have a little faith in you, don’t let it go!”

I have never really listened to this CD before, it’s my least favourite of all my Michael Frantic CDs and just by happenstance threw it in last night, without really knowing I needed it today.

All morning I’ve been wandering from here to there doing life while I carefully plotted the words I would write in this post because we never really know where our emotions are at through all this, but these lyrics right here is really all I have to say about it. #faithrestored

Tight squeeze!


Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

It takes 2… um… wait!

If you’ve been following our journey closely you’re probably wondering where we are at. I’ve been approached by a number of you to check in – and well – this is as good a place as any to lay it all out there.

2 years trying to conceive.

8 Fertility Cycles.

2 chemical pregnancies.

1 blighted Ovum.

1 surgery.

4 broken hearts… over-and-over.

And that is all just wishing and waiting for baby número trois.

We don’t know if this is even in the cards for us, but alas, we have been fighting the good fight all this time now.

Just the other day, Elliott informed me that he was going to take me out and buy me new medicine that will put a baby in my belly. Well, his wish may just come true – someday soon.

As it stands now, we are headed into the big wide world of Science for this belly bean.

We will both be undergoing a series of testing this month – fertility, motility, genetic compatibility, as well as a specialized ultrasound diagnostic for me.

Then, if all is well we will be moving forward with IUI and IVF consecutively.

So with a little love, a little faith, and a little science maybe this will be our new beginning!

Tight squeeze


Posted in Family, Mental Health

Image IS everything!

When it comes to raising our  kids, the image of self-love that we portray is absolutely everything.

Before I had children I was oblivious to the fact that there are little people marching around this world imitating the things I do. I had no idea, that when I slump my shoulders, or wear a frown, that the children in my presence are hyper-sensitive to those little motions, and will undoubtedly question the meaning behind it.

Now here I am, my eldest isn’t even four yet, and already I am well-versed in the “whys” of the world. If you’ve been out grocery shopping and stopped for a moment, to assess your reflection in the window, you can bet my children noticed and innocently berated me with all the “whys” about your strange behavior.


If you can imagine our children as magazine editors, you can bet your ass they would release a publication of unedited images into the world. Raw, real, and… flawed – only to them it wouldn’t be – See, they have no concept of what defines beauty. For them the world is one glorious masterpiece, all things living in the beauty of its own right. Though, slowly over time, when mamas and pops, start unblurring those lines and create defined spaces for what should and shouldn’t be in the beauty department… they too start seeing it as so. Of course, none of it is intentional, we don’t go about blatantly addressing our thoughts on beauty, no, it’s a subtle progression starting with a lack of self-acceptance.

{Self-Acceptance is literally the acceptance of self. It is an understanding of the unique qualities that together create the whole self, and accepting the imperfections in relationship to completing the whole and thus creating an inner happiness and satisfaction. Self-love.}

It’s a learned behavior; to start believing that those perfectly placed freckles, or misaligned eyebrows are a flaw in the human design. These young kids have no idea our hips are a little too wide, or our bellies a little too round until they walk in on us poking and prodding, and cursing those nuisances. Self-appreciation is actually the natural part of their being, and we alter and redefine that as they grow, unless of course, we can let our own securities sit by the way-side while we raise our children.

I am not going to sit here and pretend I am perfect, I certainly know “I am thick in the middle, and I got much back” but who cares?? I know well enough, that isn’t all of me, and I wear confidence in the fact that I still have a shit ton to offer as a human. Instead I am teaching my sons to love women who love themselves first, and to be confident self-loving men too.

I long for my teenaged boys to enter their high school corridors with an ora of confidence that no amount of school boy taunting can destroy. I want my sons to embrace their ‘flaws’ so they don’t have to tear down others just to build them selves up. I want my boys to experience love, unwaveringly, and that starts with a strong, and confident self-appreciation. Absolutely all of this is entirely dependent on the image of self-love I put into their universe.

What I am trying to say <in a very long winded essay of sorts> is this;

  1. It’s totally okay to love yourself as you are. You are rocking a body that has walked a tough journey of your own unique set of trials and tribulations. It has endured the pain, only yours can tolerate, and calling them imperfections, is just reaching “mean girl” status.
  2. Stop allowing your children to think anything less of you. You are and will always be their ‘perfect mold’ by which everyone else will be measured. They know better than anyone the true strength of your hustle, and have seen you at your worst… with raw assessment but without judgment.
  3. Do not allow them the opportunities to learn vulnerability and insecurity. The world they are about to face can be enough to handle as it is, fill them with traits of satisfaction and appreciation. Allow their self-love to be limitless.
  4. Love every bits of them. Tell them they are perfect, that you wouldn’t change a thing. Praise their imperfections, and document them in photos. Begin their lives with self-love and breed body appreciative children. Because there isn’t a freckle worth the long-term emotional damage that questioning themselves will cause.
  5. Just be! Be present and loving in everything you do, don’t waste a single moment making your children feel less than – And that starts by letting them know you don’t believe you are less than.
  6. Share your vulnerabilities with confidence! Laugh it off, be the Ace Ventura in an otherwise body shaming-easily embarrassed society.

Now get out there and LOVE YOURSELF!!!

Tight Squeeze!




Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

Wish you were here. 🐣

Curse me for being a typical A type personality because 9 months ago, when I saw the little pink plus sign on a pregnancy stick I foolishly believed it meant something. Which temporarily catapulted me into sketching out the architecture of the next two years of my life. How my children would adapt, What working though my pregnancy would look like, when I would begin my maternity leave, call me spoiled for having those choices, but I’ve worked damn hard to be able to make them.

Now, This Easter, April 2017 when I thought I’d be home with my family, I’m cruising into work for another endless workday. All the while day dreaming of the “could have beens”… Based on my gestational history, I should be home waiting for baby’s arrival, a very long week overdue. My family should be sitting on the edge of their seats because it could happen at any moment! or maybe it already had, and a sweet little chick is the Easter gift somebunny left for us.

But that isn’t what is. It never was. Instead I just finished my 8th cycle of fertility drugs that are kicking my ass with migraines, nausea, and muscle aches. And pray a new babe comes to us eventually.

I haven’t forgotten the journeys I thought I’d be taking, nor the missed opportunities. I haven’t stopped wondering what life would be like, particularly this April. That is the painful side effect of loss, once you know something was or could have been it forever makes its mark on your life, no matter how small.

Tight sqeeze!


Posted in Family, Infertility, Mental Health

Embracing the Journey

I swear every time I come here to write I have months of unwritten stories I had intended to share but never got around to penning it. Life has a way of swooping in, even in the mundane, and whisking away time like it never existed in the first place. But we know it did, we have memories and snapshots of those lost times, nostalgic sights, tastes and sounds that bring back #allthefeels. We have all been there, particularly so if your children are young enough to still ask you to wipe their bottoms.

Here is where we have been at.


I will be coining this stage of our journey #infertilenotfertile (a play on the popular phrase Sorry-not-sorry) so basically you get the point. No buns in the oven, no cat in the cradle, no bat in the cave, no pea in the pod… It just isn’t our damn time. Of course with April rolling around it is one massive billboard for our current “knocked down” status, and then with the abundance of friends that miraculously have stork mail coming their way in the months surrounding April, well it burns a little deeper.

Surprisingly, it hasn’t been too difficult to venture through- this second time around. I suppose it could be because my marriage needed this realism to bring us out of our pride and entitlement we’d been battling recently, or that maybe my (still young) children needed me more than I thought – also the reason time is slipping away at a record pace, and lastly, it could be because although #3 (and maybe #4)  are in our family plans after everything we’ve been through, I’ve climbed back on the fence over the whole thing. This month marked my eighth round of fertility treatment. We are nearly at the stage where  taking the next step is imminent, you know… where baby making takes a whole lot more than two to tango.

Aside from that, the boys are changing – everyday something new. Elliott has been attending a local pre-school learning and growing, and gaining intelligence beyond his years. He is still rooting for a new baby for the family, of course (mamas influence) and takes excellent care of his younger sib. He is rocking his balance bike, and refuses to move on from it actually. His current interests include robots, superheros, dinosaurs, racecars. and monsters, in fact, he imagines colorful scenarios where he, ‘Elliott-robot-batman’, saves mama from a house monster. He discovered Petes Dragon recently and is completely enamored with his name sake dragon. Elliott has been preparing new ‘big-boy school’ that begins in September, in fact, just this morning we discussed his potential new backpack options. Much to mamas dismay apparently Spider-Man is all the rage with the young boys.

Oliver, well, he is a tornado of personality wrapped up in a cloak of charm. He is one serious cuddler, and still drags his little lovey (yes we rotate about a dozen of them) everywhere he goes. We’ve nick named him Dennis (as in the menace) because he is innovative and daring and always manages to get himself knee deep in some sort of catastrophe (again another contributor to our rapid time warp). He says pretty much everything, and he loves to read, sing, and dance with hilarious candor I might add. He shares all the same interested as big bro because, well, peer pressure. He has just started riding his own balance bike, and despite resisting the movement, he is mastering it like a pro. Now that I think of it, he protests pretty much any new idea or suggestion unless it’s his own. 



No matter their differences, they are a solid brotherhood. Their love and excitement for each other is endless, and I couldn’t be more proud!

Tight squeeze!


Posted in Infertility, Mental Health

Moving Forward, Well Sort Of!


It feels like a lifetime ago already, but it pains us just the same, the only thing we’ve learned since losing the pregnancy is that life keeps moving forward with the same force of speed, no amount of our resistance slows it any more.

There is still so much to be decided, do we really want more children, and at what cost? We have two amazing boys, is that enough for us now? We are faced with so many questions that still a few months later are no easier to decide. No amount of weighing it out seems sufficient enough to clearly see what it is we want.

If you are wondering what it is like to live in that mindset I will try my best to fill you in. Despite my best efforts, I live in an underlying unhappiness every day. I search for the small joys, like the sweet interactions between my boys, family dinners, and the short moments I get alone with my husband (albeit exhausted). I’ve suddenly found myself questioning all aspects of my life is my job good enough? Can we even afford to raise another child? Should we move to a more affordable City? Are we communicating enough in our marriage? It’s as though nothing brings me joy, although I know that most certainly is not true.  I honestly didn’t even realize the effect this has still been having on me until the moment I sat to write it all out, I suppose that is the therapy in writing – Sorting our thoughts.

To put it simply it’s like everything I do and say is laced with the negativity that this particular unhappiness is bringing to my life. Without knowing, I bring it into my conversations, into my behaviors, into my workplace, and home with my family, it’s all around me, and although I am abundantly satisfied with the other 95% of my life, this is the little black cloud that darkens it all. Not that I feel the need to justify my feelings, but I wanted to clarify, that it comes across that I am so unhappy in my life overall, and that just isn’t so!!!

I’ve been struggling to balance the weight of this loss, I don’t even realize it most of the time, I just go about mommying and stuff, but then, every so often… when I feel like crying but don’t know why… well,its safe to say that this is the culprit. Especially as little monumental days pass by, that should have meant something… like finding out the gender, and viability, but alas, it won’t be happening for us… at least not this time around.

Tight Squeeze