Posted in Uncategorized

Intro to our babe.

Hello world!

This just in; I am a…

Surprise! Waiting to be revealed until Oct/Nov.

While this isn’t the popular trend anymore we have all decided that Boy or Girl makes no difference to us, this babe is our hearts desire finally coming into fruition.

Not once did we hesitate that number 3 meant the possibility of having three boys, despite the popular notion that that would “be crazy”.

Not once did we consider “Trying for a girl”.

Not once did we considering attempting any of those fabled wives tales to ensure our chances for either…

It just simply does not matter to us.

What does matter, is that we will have one more cheek to kiss, one more hand to hold, one more heart to love – and you just can’t put a label on that.

Our children will be raised with the richness of sibling friendships and grow knowing they each have an important role to play in this humble little family.

It doesn’t go unnoticed to us that we are blessed to be on this journey at all.

Right squeeze!

Ella

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized

My break-up letter

Dear infertility,

I’m leaving you!

It isn’t me, it’s definitely you.

If you are wondering how you can be blindsided by the termination of our nearly  6 year relationship take a long hard look at yourself;

  • You are a taker, not a giver
  • You are emotionally abusive
  • You are a financial burden
  • You’ve sold out my lady bits to the gynocological trade
  • You’ve contaminated me with PCOS and otherwise unspecified infertility
  • You do not support my career life, and insisted I cash in my sick days
  • You’ve broken my heart far too many times
  • You’ve only ever gifted me periods when I asked for Plus signs or double lines.
  • You have left purple markings of your physical abuse on my abdomen
  • You exploited me in that ultrasound room 100’s of times.
  • You keep (prescription) drug dealers in business
  • You bring out the worst in me.
  • You have darkened my Heart, and dizzied my head
  • You’ve been have affairs with 1 in every 5 women
  • You’ve robbed me of life
  • You’ve robbed me of the joys that pregnancy should bring even now that I’ve moved on
  • You are toxic!

This is the end of our road. I’m leaving you, I too have been having affairs, with my husband, and flirting with the kicks and flutters of our new womb baby.

Pack your bags. Delete my number. You are no longer welcome here. I’m giving up on you.

I have spent more time than you deserve crying alone in the dark, overwhelmed by your emptiness and heartache.

Instead hopes and dreams are moving in, I’m reclaiming my life.

Before you go, just know this one thing, I do not give you permission to have a strong hold on my life anymore – you will never break me!

Sincerely

Mama bear!

Posted in Recipes

Easy like Sunday Morning

Ain’t no party like a french toast party!!!

Amirite???

I’m not going to tell you how to live your life (I totally am) but you gotta, just gotta try out this little Sunday morning soirée!

Gather all your favourite little people and whip up a steaming stack of french toast (or pancakes, crepes, or waffles if that’s more your jam)

Pull together as many different toppings as you can gather and have them accessible in the middle of your table for little choosy hands to grab at – it really just sells itself, but it doesn’t hurt if you curate a cute little tablescape with all your toppings.

Stuck on ideas for toppings?? Here is a list that will get you started;

Frozen berries/fruit heated to a warm temp create a delicious and juicy topping

Banana medallions

Chia seeds

Poppy seeds

Coconut flakes

Marshmallows

Chocolate chips (butterscotch or salted caramel)

Almonds slivers, crushed walnuts, or pecans

Dried Cranberries, raisins, or Gogi berries

Pomegranate seeds

Pineapple bits

Icing sugar

Maple syrup

Honey

Begin your feast with a reflection of the happiness the day is already bringing and your kids might just be good to you for the rest of the day!

Tight Squeeze!

Ella

Posted in Uncategorized

Now and Then: Fertility sucks all the same.

Drawing by Angelica Ch (linked)

As national infertility awareness week comes to an end, I’m sharing my thoughts about our first vs. our second infertility experience. We all have our own unique stories that need to be heard.

we try to understand, but no one really gets it. Of course we all have those friends that have ‘been there, done that’ between the sheets at the fertility specialist, but not one of use truly understands what it is like for the other, because every damn story is written out in different ink, and metaphorically tattooed across our foreheads like a freakin’ barcode of failure.

Each of us face a completely different reality, some fight to ever even conceive, some conceive and perpetually miscarry, some take pills, others take injection-after-injection, some of us are scheduled our bankbook balance, and others by the emotional toll it takes.

I don’t even understand myself each day I journey through this, its obvious now that my twenty something self that was fighting to conceive was in store for a whole different world of fertility struggles this almost 10 years later.

I don’t want to discount anyone of our stories because they are all so relevant but I did want to highlight why doing this a second or third time around is taking a far bigger toll on our family/

My first ever experience with infertility – as a twenty-seven year old newly-wed – I began to question my entire existence, because I believed whole heartedly that I was brought to this earth to be a mother – and a mother only. I never held any convicting thoughts of beliefs about my career life – for me it was about being married, and having children.

In hindsight, our struggle was short, and a minimal problem in the grand scheme of fertility. We did the prescribed one year of trying to conceive naturally before we would be considered as a candidate for the fertility clinic… and then another six months before the referral was accepted and my first apt was arranged, but when he saw me he was sure of my problem (PCOS) and prescribed me the pills that got us pregnant on the third month. At the time though, It was excruciatingly long – we were a single couple – all we had was time to think about what was missing from our lives. We allowed ourselves the time to ache and pine, we let the ivy of infertility wrap and entwine us within it, and we lived there for nearly two years.

After children our newest infertility looks wildly different. We still tried for several months naturally – after all our second son was conceived that way so we had no idea which side of the field we were playing on this third time around. We also weren’t in any hurry tom complete our family because both of our boys were young and we simply considered ourselves to be getting a head start. This story all began two and a half years ago. It was somewhere at the seven or eighth month mark that we began to seek gynecological opinion on the matter, and again, I was treated at ‘text-book PCOS’ to which I did respond to in just a few short months, but after going through the motions of a first trimester we discovered it was simply a blighted Ovum and was never a viable pregnancy which my body failed to determine for us. All this time – all this time telling our kids that we would be introducing a new child into our family, getting them excited and waiting – only to have to burden them with the disappointment of loss.

Its harder now, because even though I am not alone and I have already claimed my identity and purpose as a mother, I’m too busy and preoccupied to pay infertility the attention it demands. I couldn’t say this before, I was naive and poorly versed in this realm, but you mamas with secondary infertility I get you!

Tight squeeze!

Ella

Posted in Uncategorized

Our Rainbow Baby Ballad

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven; A time to be born, a time to die… a time to laugh, a time to weep” – Lyrics by the Byrds.

I am writing my story with the utmost sensitivity – because I have something important  to share with you -while I simultaneously tell the story of how infertility has a grip on my life in a much deeper way than I ever comprehended.

Before I begin I want You to know that I see you! I see you crying alone as your family has all drifted to sleep. I see you suffer a pain that only you understand. I see your hopes and wishes cast amongst the stars. I see you kneeling in prayer. I see you sitting in scared silence at the fertility clinic, I see you feeling alone and abandoned, and I hear you longing. I acknowledge your every emotion, we will always be sisters of this fretful tribe.

I never want my experiences to hurt you or discourage you because I understand neither of us have control over how these things play out. Each of our stories are painful and important, and one will never be more meaningful than the other. That’s why I want to share with you as sensitively as possible that…

We are finally expecting our Rainbow baby! And while I honor my own excitement, I also acknowledge you – and your aching heart. I pray instead of hurt and broken you can feel a restored hope in the gifts that are waiting for you. And – while we are filled with gratitude – we still haven’t completely embraced this ourselves.

The abuse of infertility and the long-term damage it has left on our lives has made it difficult to trust this pregnancy. Even after I spent meal times avoiding the kitchen, and many moments hugging the toilet, our heads remind us to deny our baby’s presence in order to protect our hearts.

Even when we were the only two that knew our secret we still never made mention of the pregnancy for nearly two and a half months. It was a lonely and painful time for both of us. We were so consumed with the fear of disappointment that we couldn’t possibly acknowledge its realness. I didn’t sleep, and instead of celebrating I cried almost daily while preparing myself for another loss. I googled symptoms, side effects, and pregnancy statistics to create stories in my head about the demise of my pregnancy.  I know you understand these frustrations.

Although a very happy outcome, it has been far from the emotionally freeing journey I thought this would be.

The morning of my ultrasound (a very long and torturous six weeks after I found out I was pregnant) we sat quietly in the waiting room playing out the scenario we were convinced was about to happen (No heartbeat – No sign of life – leaving in tears… Again) Instead we were shocked and surprised to see a healthy heartbeat, and everything measuring right on target, but we still didn’t know how to displace our expectation of disappointment and allow ourselves to feel the excitement we deserved; so we still kept it to ourselves.

And in the back of my mind there was always you! With your own unique tales of infertility, and I never wanted my miracle to be hurtful for you.

Now here we are – safely in our 2nd trimester – cautiously optimistic and holding onto the hope that our chance at miscarriage is now less than 5%, but also with a debilitating fear that I am that 5%.

I am in a different stage of this journey, but I am still here with you, and I still hear you! I still pray for you, alongside my own prayers for a healthy pregnancy, and I send you the peaceful heart we all need in this process, no matter where in this journey we have gotten so far. I wish you all the blessings your heart desires.

For those of you who haven’t experienced infertility or loss I hope that by sharing our truth you can understand our hesitation to sound the sirens and spread our news so boldly. I simply ask that you give us time to let this sink in, to embark on this long journey of healing from all our brokenness, and fill our lives with your wishes and prayers as we live each day of the next seven months in anxious waiting for our rainbow to appear.

Tight Squeeze!

Ella

Posted in Uncategorized

Fertility Medical Care; My Honest Experience

Forewarning; This may read as jaded, bitter, and angry and it likely does have a bit of that laced throughout these paragraphs, but as you read this – Truth Bomb – you might find what I am saying as eerily relatable – or if you are in healthcare, like me, you might read this as a horror story for Canadian medical care.

I want you to understand that mine wasn’t the Spa-like experience you see on TV…. no, instead I got the bargain basement clinic, and lack luster care. A loud blood processing machine hums incessantly to the left of the administration desk, bankers boxes are piled in corners, and the room is lined with unlocked filing cabinets with Client files of past, present, and future visible for everyone to see. The carpet is stained the walls are yellowed, in short, esthetically it isn’t the place you come with a hopeful heart and expect to leave with your dreams come true.

The accessory staff are friendly, though, not one ever greeted me with their name and designation, so even months later I cant tell you if they are nurses or technicians or what have you… but they were definitely the friendly ones, so I held on to that.

I first met with my Doctor in early 2012. My initial reaction from our very brief encounter was that he was pompous, forward, and rude. It is my understanding he acknowledges this about himself and makes no apologies. but does that really make it any more acceptable?

I’ve been argued with over my thoughts and experiences here, so I will say that I understand that being smacked in the face with the truth instead of having it served delicately on a platter is what some clients like, I don’t agree, but I am glad to have cleared that up.

The message I got from that first (I will be gracious) ten minute meeting was loud and clear, he could tell by the hair pattern on my jawline that I had PCOS, and just like that it was added to my forever medical record – a very technical process you know! I left the office strangely self-conscious of my appearance and with a carbon copy prescription for my new medication, and some requisitions for day 21 Blood work.

I want to be very clear here aside from being instructed to take this pill on cycle days 3-7 I was not provided with enough information about this medication in order to provide informed consent to taking it. He didn’t care… and whether he is confident in what he is doing or not, he didn’t care that whether I left feeling confident about this endeavor. Maybe he was overbooked that day, maybe he was tired, maybe he was behind on paperwork –  but none of that was my fault and none of that has anything to do with whether or not I should have been given the opportunity to provide informed consent.

I left incredibly angry. I waited a whopping six months for this appointment. I invested what trust I could muster from my broken state into that small token of hope he handed me, and figured what harm could come of this. Truthfully though, I was angry that he didn’t do a work-up, how quick he was to decide that my sole issue was PCOS (which he wasn’t wrong about) but I wanted to rule out the hundreds of other factors that affect fertility – a blocked tube, an inhospitable uterus, a heart-shaped or tilted uterus (which I also have by the way), low sperm motility/quality, hormonal imbalances (also me), endometriosis, polyps/cysts/ or fibroids… the amount of other factors out there is practically endless. Long- story short my diagnoses wasn’t spawned out of due diligence, it wasn’t even really an educated guess, it was an assumption because he had seen hundreds of other women sit in that same chair with the same facial hair pattern and jumped to this conclusion.

In short, I placed my bet on the roulette table and three months later I rolled a winner. There was no sure thing, there was no medical certainty… he got lucky that he was right and he got me pregnant so he could add my name to the list of successes, further proof of his hasty assumption about me.

Here is what happened that my Doctor didn’t disclose with me;

I miscarried the first month because unbeknownst to me (and I later learned from a gynecologist I was seeing) that it isn’t good practice to attempt to get pregnant that first month on medication, because a woman’s body can release immature or damaged eggs. Even after I returned the following month with complaints that “My period was the worst I had in my life” and he informed me that I had miscarried as evidenced by my blood work, he still didn’t share this little piece of valuable knowledge with me.

It took only a quick three months and two visits with my Doctor to finally have a viable pregnancy, but by this point I already knew I wanted my prenatal experience far more informed, empowering, and supported then that of my experiences with Fertility treatment. So, I never told my Doctor or his office that I got pregnant and as far as I was concerned this chapter of my life was closed. My midwives made up for everything this Doctor lacked and more, and restored my faith in our healthcare system.

This next time around I did everything in my power to try to avoid revisiting this local clinic. I requested to see a Gynecologist and spent a lengthy amount of time with this new Doctor trying the oral medications again. When we weren’t getting anywhere on the oral medications I visited my GP and requested a transfer to a fertility specialist that I had assumed would be a better experience than my last. Low and behold it was the same fertility Docs office that called me, and I battled with the decision to return to his clinic.

Its funny how these things go, fertility completely destroys you, so by the time you crawl into his office you are ready to accept any and all flaws as long as there is a glimmer of hope that you might get pregnant. My husband came to our intake appointment, and perhaps he was a little more demanding a presence than I was, but our Doctor actually (briefly) seemed better. This time around (and because I had more history and a few more miscarriages under my belt) he did order the full work-up I had been hoping for all these years.

I cant remember the complete details, but I remember a lot of confusion regarding when to take my oral medications and when to skip taking it. I distinctly remember my Doctor telling me not to take it during the month that I had my sonohystogram, but when I returned the following month he was frustrated with me for not taking it after all. It threw off my cycles and put us behind again. At one point my husband pleaded with the Doctor to give me something to battle the monthly migranes I started getting with my oral meds, and his only response was to go back to my GP and get him to prescribe me something, then provided me with a list of particulars about what to tell my GP to prescribe. I was very unclear about why my fertility Doctor couldn’t just prescribe it himself given that it was to counteract the medications he was giving me. When my husband canvassed him on the idea of me taking a sick leave from work to facilite my attending the clinic as often as I had to Our Doctors careless and unconcerning response was “What for? She isn’t sick”. Actually Yes Doc. Infertility is an illness, just like any other!

My first cycle monitoring followed shortly after, where I discovered a very unfriendly member of the medical team. I can only assume she was the ultrasound tech, though, she never told me. She never spoke to me at all actually! She just stood in that room day in and day out performing internal ultrasounds on me without ever really acknowledging my existence.  Even during my first cycle I went in and bled on that bed nervous that maybe I shouldn’t be there doing this while I was still menstruating, I tried to strike up a conversation about it because I didn’t really want to go through with it that day – but I got no answers for her.

I didn’t see my Doctor after that. Month after month went by and his staff arranged my progression to injections, then adjusted my dosages when everything failed. During one cycle, I produced a large number of follicles, and while I longed to have a conversation about what my options were to do with them, they called me at home and told me not to come in until the beginning of my next cycle. I would have been more than willing to extract and donate those follicles and be empowered once again by helping other struggling couples, but that wasn’t an option not even a topic of conversation for me there.

After my third cycle attempt that required a closer monitoring program and day to day adjustment of my dosing, It was finally time for my IUI. My husband came in to leave his sample, and to my horror the staff prepared the sperm wash at the administration desk while simultaneously preparing another one for another couple. I was mixed with disbelief but more so a level of desperation that clouded my judgement as I am sure happens with most if not all of the clients that come through that clinic. I went into that room, with my faith held high in their abilities as professionals, despite having witnessed questionable practice. Then as I laid on that sterile bed in the breezy and cold room, I was in no state to notice that she didn’t even verify my identity before administering the IUI.

Aside from all that, she also prepared my bill which typically signifies a cycle completion and provided me with the instructions for follow-up for the IUI (Start taking your progesterone in 2 days – test in 2 weeks – call us if its positive) but completely failed to inform my husband or I to return the following day for a second IUI. When I didn’t return the next day and they called me at home no one acknowledged responsibility for this mistake, they simply implied that I had been told and had forgotten. It was insulting to say the least, and also a heartbreaking turn of events as we worried that we missed a crucial step in another very expensive monthly cycle.

As icing on the cake, a couple weeks later I received an intake package from another fertility clinic, one that manages IVF that I had been referred to by my current fertility Doctor. I hadn’t even had an actual appointment with my Doctor for months and at no point had I had a conversation with him about wanting to pursue IVF or given consent for him to send my referral and file details to this new clinic.

I’ve been worried sick about my experiences, I am left feeling powerless, and assured more than ever that I should be seeking fertility medical care elsewhere. I have been navigating avenues for reporting what I have experienced and sharing with you today because we all deserve better in our medical care experiences. I pray your fertility journeys are peaceful and empowering, and if you feel yourself relating to my story I implore you to speak up or look for alternative medical care.

Tight Squeeze,

Ella

Posted in Elliott, Family, Oliver

A lesson in Motherhood – A future letter to my boys

Now that you have gotten much older, you both likely reflect on many events from your past and woven through those memories are your interpretations of my behaviour as a mother, so I want to clear this all up for you here and now.

I know you have always thought I treat your brother differently.

You are absolutely right!

You two were not born the same,  you both possess different genetic matter (albeit from the same gene pool) and with that comes entirely different preferences, opinions, and needs. While you will never understand this until you are a parent of your own, I did treat you differently, but not by accident and not by any favouring of one of you over the other – but simply because it was my absolute intention to fulfil your emotional, physical and mental needs to the best of my ability. Maybe not in your day, but in ours there is this misconception that parenthood is simply the ‘forming’ of children in our image, but this isn’t true, our mission is to honour the form that you brought into the world and teach you how use it, refine it, and build upon it. Parenthood isn’t about spreading myself amongst you in fairness and equality but about learning and adapting to each of you independently, and each of your needs as they present themselves.

Just the other morning, for example, Elliott, you cried as the bus reached our stop and it was time for us to part ways. I was shocked and annoyed by the situation because up until that very moment you were perfectly prepared to return to school after the Christmas break, but as the bus pulled away and you stared out the window at me with your tear stained face, I realized something monumental in our relationship. You hide your emotions, you bury them deep inside you and avoid its release until it is inevitable and you need me. Earlier that morning, while I busied myself in the kitchen preparing your lunch and organizing your school bag, you were reeling with the conflict of leaving the house and I had no idea. You needed me – differently than your younger brother, who gathers his things and runs out the door at every opportunity – you needed a whisper of hope, you needed assurance, you needed reminders of all the wonderful experiences that school holds for you, you needed me to prepare you; that nothing is different that this school day is still the same as all those you had prior to the break because change is something that intimidates you.

I only hope in all the days we have spent together as mother and son, you understand how much I love and appreciate you for who you are. While, I sometimes seem annoyed that your nervous intimidation inconveniences me, I am more honoured and humbled by it than anything. It keeps you safe and it keeps you needing me and wanting me, it keeps you seeking answers and assurances that you deserve. My only condolence to you for this day, is that I vow to move forward holding your hand as we respect your sense of nervousness, while recognizing when it could be holding you back from living and breathing new experiences. I am forever thankful to you for this lesson.

I have learned by now, in the four years of motherhood you have gifted to me, that you are never comforted with showings of affection. While sometimes a brief hug can settle your anxiety it isn’t the long-term answer. You need your personal space, and a quiet moment to process your feelings. You need to meet with me alone and sit in silence for a moment, before I canvas you about your fears. Sometimes I have to pry the information from you, before we can brainstorm a plan and solution together. I cherish this new way of seeing life unfold.

Oliver, you have entirely different strategies for handling change. You embrace the unknown and jump in feet first with very little hesitation. You pride yourself on being brave and adventurous and socialize easily. You expend so much energy in a day with all your activity, that when you return to me you need to be refreshed. You will never turn down a cuddle and want to be smothered with kisses. I am happy to oblige. I also know – much to your dismay – that you need your sleep so I often invoke your nap times to keep you grounded and feeling in control. I know at 3 that seems counterproductive to you, but I promise I have had your best interests at heart. You challenge me in ways that your older brother never did, and so everything we share together as mother and child is also a new exploration into the realm of parenthood. You have an intense conviction to your beliefs and choices and I commend you for that, but it certainly isn’t an easy trait to parent, especially because I know we share this conviction and we are often not on the same page. Still, I know you are filled with amazing potential and it will truly shine in your adulthood, I know this with certainty, because that is where I am at now.

My frustrations are never about you two, they are birthed from an inner conflict with myself because I know in these moments I have failed you. Motherhood isn’t perfect, in fact, perfection in parenting is probably the least achievable thing we will ever attempt in our lives, it is a variable education that we can never be prepared for.

So, Yes! I do treat you both differently, with reason and intent for the betterment of your well-being, and while you may not always see your childhood though my eyes, and you may never understand my intentions, I vow to preserve your organic self – because that is what parenthood truly means.

Tight squeeze!

Mama