Posted in Uncategorized

Now and Then: Fertility sucks all the same.

Drawing by Angelica Ch (linked)

As national infertility awareness week comes to an end, I’m sharing my thoughts about our first vs. our second infertility experience. We all have our own unique stories that need to be heard.

we try to understand, but no one really gets it. Of course we all have those friends that have ‘been there, done that’ between the sheets at the fertility specialist, but not one of use truly understands what it is like for the other, because every damn story is written out in different ink, and metaphorically tattooed across our foreheads like a freakin’ barcode of failure.

Each of us face a completely different reality, some fight to ever even conceive, some conceive and perpetually miscarry, some take pills, others take injection-after-injection, some of us are scheduled our bankbook balance, and others by the emotional toll it takes.

I don’t even understand myself each day I journey through this, its obvious now that my twenty something self that was fighting to conceive was in store for a whole different world of fertility struggles this almost 10 years later.

I don’t want to discount anyone of our stories because they are all so relevant but I did want to highlight why doing this a second or third time around is taking a far bigger toll on our family/

My first ever experience with infertility – as a twenty-seven year old newly-wed – I began to question my entire existence, because I believed whole heartedly that I was brought to this earth to be a mother – and a mother only. I never held any convicting thoughts of beliefs about my career life – for me it was about being married, and having children.

In hindsight, our struggle was short, and a minimal problem in the grand scheme of fertility. We did the prescribed one year of trying to conceive naturally before we would be considered as a candidate for the fertility clinic… and then another six months before the referral was accepted and my first apt was arranged, but when he saw me he was sure of my problem (PCOS) and prescribed me the pills that got us pregnant on the third month. At the time though, It was excruciatingly long – we were a single couple – all we had was time to think about what was missing from our lives. We allowed ourselves the time to ache and pine, we let the ivy of infertility wrap and entwine us within it, and we lived there for nearly two years.

After children our newest infertility looks wildly different. We still tried for several months naturally – after all our second son was conceived that way so we had no idea which side of the field we were playing on this third time around. We also weren’t in any hurry tom complete our family because both of our boys were young and we simply considered ourselves to be getting a head start. This story all began two and a half years ago. It was somewhere at the seven or eighth month mark that we began to seek gynecological opinion on the matter, and again, I was treated at ‘text-book PCOS’ to which I did respond to in just a few short months, but after going through the motions of a first trimester we discovered it was simply a blighted Ovum and was never a viable pregnancy which my body failed to determine for us. All this time – all this time telling our kids that we would be introducing a new child into our family, getting them excited and waiting – only to have to burden them with the disappointment of loss.

Its harder now, because even though I am not alone and I have already claimed my identity and purpose as a mother, I’m too busy and preoccupied to pay infertility the attention it demands. I couldn’t say this before, I was naive and poorly versed in this realm, but you mamas with secondary infertility I get you!

Tight squeeze!



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